Amy Carmichael - Not quite self-loathing

I feel it after every smoke
Feel less alive with every toke
I feel it when I’ve drank too much
Not quite self-loathing-not as such

‘I’ve given up’ though that last joint calls to me still
If it’s not that it’s a drink or a pill
This shit doesn’t faze you-its what you grew up to
I can’t do it though, I’m not you

The panic increases so I reach for the knife
This shit defines me its become my life
The first cut goes unnoticed, but then so do the rest
They’ve all missed my pain-me at my best

I’m in the bar now and everyone’s drinking
With every sip I take I feel more like I’m sinking
‘Andy I’m going outside I can’t really breathe’
I take a step out the door, find a cab and leave

Amy Carmichael

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/not-quite-self-loathing/