Lee Degnan - Day Off

I didn't plan it
but I took today
off from work
But not to play...
and for hours
as they burned away
I sat feeling
empty
I'm not sick
but certainly not OK

I lied in my bed
and shook
thinking of my life
and giving it one hard look
knowing something's
gotta change
No happy thoughts came...
Now isn't
that strange?
With that I couldn't
bear the pain;
tears sheared so hot
yet fell like rain
I know the inevitable.
I'm spiraling down
and took a bottle
of pills
and washed it down.

I was amazed to find
that I even did it
it's been rehearsed in my mind...
but there was
nothing to it.
So many times
I didn't pull that trigger,
but no guts,
no glory,
is what I figure.

Then the room
started spinning 'round
Consciousness, I guess,
losing ground
even with my
mind all aflutter
I can still hear
the words you muttered...
I married you,
but I love another.
I closed my eyes
and gave one
last shudder.

My last thought
before He takes me
is why make me love you
just to have
you hate me?
I've given all that I could
I've given you my heart
but it didn't do me any good....
you couldn't love me
from the start.
But what
I find ironic
In my whole little plan...
is I die, as in life,
from which I'd ran...
Cold and empty
feeling
Lifeless and unhappy...
and is my fate
for all eternity.

Lee Degnan

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/day-off-2/