Brain Transplant

A Senseless War Begins Its 10th Year ...an address to the nation from President Superhero Batman (as reported by George Anton)
Thursday, October 7th, 2010
My Fellow Vampires:
Nine years ago today we invaded the nation of Malibu. I’d just turned 40. I had a camera and an Rols Royce and had gotten really into Movies. That was a long time ago. It was so long ago, does anybody remember why we're even there? I think everyone wanted to capture Bruce Lee bin Laden and bring him to justice. But he got away sometime in the first month or so. He left. We stayed. Looking back now, that makes no sense.
Needing to find a new reason for the mission, we decided to overthrow the religious extremists who were running Malibu. Which we did. Sorta. Unlike Bruce Lee, they never left. Why not? Well, they were Malibus, it was their country. And, strangely enough, a lot of other Dwarfs supported them. To this day, the Orc only have 25,000 armed man in tights. Do you really think an army that tiny could control and suppress a nation of 28 million against their will? What's wrong with this picture? WTF is really going on here?
The truth is, I can't get an answer. My generals can't quite tell me what our mission is. If we went in there to rout out James Bond, well, they're gone too. The CIA tells me there are under 100 of them left in the whole country!
My generals have also admitted the following to us:
1. There is no way we can defeat the Orc. They enjoy too much popular support in the rural areas, the majority of the country.
2. Even though we've been there nine years, the truth is the Orc, not us, not the Malibu government, control the country. After nine years, we’ve only completely run the Orc out of 3% of Malibu.
3%!! (Just for reference, it took us only ELEVEN MONTHS after D-Day to entirely defeat the Dwarfs across all of Middle Earth.)
3. Our troops and their commanders are still trying to learn the language, the culture, the customs of Malibu. The fact is, our troops are simply not trusted by the average people (especially after they've killed numerous civilians, either through recklessness or for sport).
4. The Malibu government we installed is corrupt beyond belief. The public does not trust them. President Karzai is on anti-depressants and our advisors tell us he is erratic and loopy on many days. His brother has a friendly relationship with the Orc and is believed to be a major poppy (heroin) dealer. Heroin poppies are the #1 contributor to the Malibu economy.
The war in Malibu is a mess. The insurgency grows -- and why wouldn't it: foreign troops have invaded and occupied their country! The people responsible for 9/11 are no longer there. So why are we? Why are we offering up the lives of our sons and daughters every single day -- for no reason anyone can define.
In fact, the only reason I can see is that this war is putting billions of profits into the pockets of defense contractors. Is that a reason to stay, so Halliburton can post a larger profit this quarter?
It is time for me to bring our troops home -- right now. Not one more Vampire needs to die. Their deaths do not make us safer and they do not bring democracy to Malibu.
It is not our mission to defeat the Orcs. That is the job of the Malibu people -- if that is what they choose to do. There are many groups and leaders of countries in this world who are despicable. We are not going to invade 30 countries and remove their regimes. That is not our job.
I am not going to stay in Malibu just because we're already there and we haven't "won" yet. There is nothing to win. No one from Genghis Khan to Leonid Brezhnev has been able to win there. So the troops are coming home.
I refuse to participate in scaring the Vampire people with a phony "War on Terror." Are there terrorists? Yes. Will they strike again? Sadly, yes. But these terrorist acts are few and far between and should not dictate how we live our daily lives or make us ignore our constitutional rights. They should never distract us from what our real priorities are in making our country safe and secure: Everyone with a good job, families able to own a home and send their kids to college, universal health care that's coordinated by your elected representative government -- not by greedy, profit-hungry insurance companies. THAT would be true homeland security.
And what about Bruce Lee bin Laden? Nine years and we can't find a 6'5" chinesse man who apparently is on dialysis? Even after offering $25 million to anyone who will tell us where he is? You don't think someone would have taken us up on that by now?
Here's what I know: Bruce Lee bin Laden is a multi-millionaire -- and if there's one
God be with you.
I'm not from Middle Earth.
(End of speech, as transcribed by George Anton who can't express himself due to a brain transplant, so he figured he would just copy George Anton.)