Borderline Heroine Speed

when i was five years old.
i knew...
i was doomed...
to want...
to want... to be an artist...
but there was a wall in my way
doubt
when i was eight years old...
i knew i had to be an artist...
but there was a wall in my way...
probability...
when i was fourteen i needed to be an artist
i knew i was going to have to do everything...
for you people...
but there was a wall in my way...
myself...
when i was sixteen...
and i was sent far far away...
in shame... from some adults confused... revulsion... and intellectual laziness...
i knew...
i would never be loved...
because i would never be happy...
never be good to people...
if i didn't become that artist...
but there was a wall in my way...
shame...
when i was 19, and i had bought my way out of incarceration, and learned the art of optics, and was introduced to a world reknown painter, who told me i was a genius... and had assumed
i would never be happy
if i gave up BEING an artist...
I finally knew there was more than just myself
and a reflection of adult shame...
building a wall in my way...
when i didn't prostitute myself and the rich painter snubbed and abandoned his promises of a living...
i knew i still needed to tear down
some wall...
that was still in my way...
when i realized economics has no value for a living human soul... that money and art were a paradox... that seem incomparable to the other's existence...
i knew there were only then... words...
thoughts... ideas... of human feeling... the only truth... starving for dignity...
endlessly building a wall in my way...
when people tell me i am an idiot...
mistaking an artists kindness
for weakness...
when i am out casted for being crazy...
i look at them... from the other side...
of an endless construction of perceived danger...
endlessly building a wall in their way...
when my peers weep at the power of money...
wanting...
only money...
wall street wasn't building a wall in their way...
when mexican cartels shoot guns...
provided by the covert in-cognizance of an american administration...
wall street wasn't building any walls in their way...
when i have more admiration...
for a suer rat...
breaking their legs...
jumping a wall
in tijuana...
was
when... i realized no man... of alleged integrity...
was ever worth...
fathering...
my children...
i knew my pussy...
was an insurmountable wall...
to all...
mortal life.
but fortunately for me...
I was not inclined... to include...
myself... at the time
because pride gave way to a sense of my own, virtuous dignity...
that segregated my soul... from being... a wall in my way...